Wilkins And Wontkins Wiki

These are the scripts for the Maxwell House Coffee commercials, But remember all of these scripts are from the Wilkins and Wontkins videos of Drevian Edwards Productions, Ivan Simonov, Julian Perkins 2005, and more.


  • Wilkins: OK buddy what do you think of Maxwell House Coffee?
  • Wontkins: I Never Tasted It!

(Wilkins shoots Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Now what do you think of Maxwell House?

Climbing Tree[]

  • Wontkins: Why are we climbing this tree?
  • Wilkins: For Maxwell House Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I don’t want any.

(Wilkins kicks Wontkins off the tree)

  • Wilkins: It’s autumn and the nuts are beginning to fall.

Just Kidding[]

  • Wilkins: I love these Maxwell House Coffee commercials don’t you?
  • Wontkins: I’m Tired Of Them!

(The studio set blows up)

  • Wontkins: Just Kidding Mr. Maxwell House!

Good, Better, Best[]

  • Wontkins: Maxwell House makes good coffee. (He is hitted) Better coffee. (He is hitted again) Maxwell House makes the best coffee.
  • Wilkins: Congratulations.

Swimming Pool[]

  • Wilkins: I just filled my whole swimming pool with Maxwell House Coffee.

(Wontkins falls into a pool)

  • Wontkins: HELP! I’m Drowning!
  • Wilkins: I told him he’d ended up drinking Maxwell House.

Cheep Cheep[]

  • Wilkins: I have Maxwell House Coffee and another kind of coffee.
  • Wontkins: I Want The Cheap Stuff!

(2 Birds come out of the can and go Cheep Cheep Cheep)

  • Wilkins: Sorry but that other coffee is for the birds.

How Instant[]

  • Wilkins: Hello grocery store, Send me some Instant Maxwell House Coffee.

(Wilkins gets squirted by water)

  • Wilkins: Man, How instant can you get?

On The Ball[]

  • Wilkins: Maxwell House Coffee is on the ball.
  • Wontkins: Not to me it isn’t.

(Wilkins hits Wontkins with a ball)

  • Wilkins: Either get on the ball with Maxwell House or get out of the way.

What Kind Of Coffee Do You Sell[]

  • Wontkins: What kind of coffee do you sell?
  • Wilkins: Maxwell House Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Don’t you have any kind?
  • Wilkins: Sure we have it but we don’t sell it.


  • Wilkins: Want some Maxwell House Coffee with your pie?
  • Wontkins: Nah, Just gimme the pie.

(Wilkins splats the pie at Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Sure you wouldn’t like a cup of Maxwell House to wash it down?

TV Anti Violence League[]

  • Wontkins: Now i’m not gonna drink anymore Instant Maxwell House Coffee!

(A sign that reads One Moment Please appears and Wilkins shoots Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Now he’s not gonna drink anymore coffee.

Bad Commercial[]

  • Wilkins: Maxwell House Coffee is good coffee.
  • Wontkins: Boy what a bad commercial.

(Wilkins shuts the lid on Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: The commercial may be bad but the coffee is wonderful.


  • Wilkins: I really love my Maxwell House Coffee.
  • Wontkins: You wanna see a psychiatrist.
  • Wilkins: I did that’s who told me about Maxwell House, I used to love my raincoat.


  • Wontkins: Old Man Maxwell House just hired me to sell his crummy Maxwell House Coffee.

(The man’s hand sets Wontkins on fire)

  • Wilkins: I think he just fired you too.


  • Wontkins: Gimme a cup of coffee.
  • Wilkins: Maxwell House?
  • Wontkins: No, Any old coffee,.
  • Wilkins: Step right this way.

(Wilkins shuts a snowy door on Wontkins outside)