Wilkins And Wontkins Wiki

These are the Scripts for the Red Diamond Coffee commercials in colors, But remember Some of these scripts are from the Wilkins and Wontkins videos of BlueFrog, Drevian Edwards Productions, Julian Perkins 2005, Ivan Simonov, Nikki Arsenis 2, & more.

Climbing Tree[]

  • Wontkins: Why are we climbing this tree?
  • Wilkins: For Red Diamond Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I don’t want any.

(Wilkins kicks Wontkins off the tree)

  • Wilkins: It’s autumn & the nuts are beginning to fall.

Good, Better, Best[]

  • Wontkins: Red Diamond makes good coffee.

(Wilkins hits Wontkins with a bat)

  • Wontkins: Better coffee.

(wilkins hits Wontkins with a bat again)

  • Wontkins: Red Diamond makes the best coffee!
  • Wilkins: Congratulations.

Brand X[]

  • Wilkins: You want a cup of this coffee? It’s Red Diamond Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Nah, Let me have brand x.
  • Wilkins: OK!

(Wilkins presses Wontkins with a branding x iron)

  • Wontkins: OOOH THAT SMARTS!


  • Wontkins: Old man Donovan just hired me to sell his crummy Red Diamond Coffee.

(The man’s hand sets Wontkins on fire)

  • Wilkins: I think he just fired you too.

Death Defying Dive[]

  • Wilkins: Want some Red Diamond Coffee before you jump?
  • Wontkins: No.

(Wilkins moves the bucket)

  • Wilkins: You miss a lot when you don’t drink Red Diamond Coffee.

(Wontkins bounces on the floor)

Whale Of A Coffee[]

  • Wilkins: Let’s go up to the service for a cup of Red Diamond Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I never touch the stuff!

(A whale appears & eats Wontkins and whale burp )

  • Wilkins: You should it’s a whale of a coffee.


  • Wilkins: Want some Red Diamond Coffee with your pie?
  • Wontkins: Nah, just gimme the pie.

(Wilkins splats the pie at Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Sure you wouldn’t like a cup of Red Diamond to wash it down?

Hot Air Balloon[]

  • Wilkins: How about a cup of Red Diamond Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Nah, just gimme down on the ground.
  • Wilkins: OK!

(Wilkins opens a bottom door making Wontkins fall)

  • Wilkins: Some people just never learn.


  • Wilkins: OK Buddy what do you think of Red Diamond Coffee?
  • Wontkins: I never tasted it!

(Wilkins blasts off Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Now what do you think of Red Diamond?

Cheep Cheep[]

  • Wilkins: I have Red Diamond Coffee and another kind of coffee.
  • Wontkins: I want the cheap stuff!

(2 Birds come out of the can and go Cheep Cheep Cheep)

  • Wilkins: Sorry but that other coffee’s for the birds.


  • Wontkins: Got anything for people who don’t drink Red Diamond Coffee?
  • Wilkins: Certainly here you are friend, (Whacks Wontkins on the head with a small mallet) and it won’t cost you a cent.

Did You Call?[]

  • Wontkins: I wouldn’t admit this if I wasn’t alone but, I really do like Red Diamond Coffee.

(Wilkins appears with a sign that reads Red Diamond Coffee)

  • Wilkins: Did you call?
  • Wontkins: Uhh.

Tarred & Feathered[]

  • Wilkins: Anybody who doesn’t drink Red Diamond Coffee oughta be tarred and feathered right?

(Wontkins appears covered in tar and feathers)

  • Wontkins: Wrong!
  • Wilkins: He always was a bad sport.


  • Wilkins: Think the indians will attack us?
  • Wontkins: Nah, All we got a shipment of Red Diamond Coffee.

(Wilkins’ stagecoach moves while the arrows fly)

  • Wilkins: Someday you’ll learn that everybody drinks Red Diamond.

Give Him The Eggs[]

  • Wontkins: Just gimme the eggs! No Red Diamond Coffee!
  • Wilkins: Give him the eggs boys!

(The boys throw eggs at Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: A meal without Red Diamond Coffee is a mess.

En Garde[]

  • Wilkins: En Garde! salute Red Diamond Coffee.
  • Wontkins: But I don’t drink Red Diamond Coffee.

(Wilkins wipes the blood off his blade)

  • Wilkins: Some learn some don’t.

House Is Not A Home[]

  • Wilkins: Do you have any Red Diamond Coffee in your house?
  • Wontkins: No!

(Wilkins drops a bomb on Wontkins’ house and leaves)

  • Wilkins: Ya Know a house is not a home without Red Diamond Coffee.

(Wontkins’ house blows up)

Soggy Romance[]

  • Wilkins: Darling if I marry you will you keep me and Red Diamond Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Boy, Will this be a soggy romance.

Stab In The Dark[]

  • Wontkins: You can’t persuade me to drink Red Diamond Coffee!
  • Wilkins: Pretty please?

(Wilkins stabs Wontkins with a knife with eyes in the dark)

  • Wontkins: Ouch! OK!
  • Wilkins: Just a stab in the dark.

On The Ball[]

  • Wilkins: Red Diamond Coffee is on the ball.
  • Wontkins: Not to me it isn’t.

(Wilkins hits Wontkins with a ball)

  • Wilkins: Either get on the ball with Red Diamond or get out of the way.


  • Wontkins: Well what was it a ball or a strike?
  • Wilkins: Do you drink Red Diamond Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Naw.
  • Wilkins: Stee-rike three you’re out!

Man Overboard[]

  • Wilkins: How about some Red Diamond Coffee Captain?
  • Wontkins: No!

(Wilkins pushes Wontkins off a boat into the river)

  • Wilkins: I say man overboard, Help.

Why Not[]

  • Wilkins: If you like really good coffee, Why not spend the extra money, and get 2 packages of Red Diamond.
  • Wontkins: Why Not?

Rocket Ship[]

  • Wilkins: Red Diamond will be the first coffee on the moon.

(The rocket attempts to blast off but blows up)

  • Wontkins: Now what?
  • Wilkins: Red Diamond Coffee is still the best on earth.


  • Wilkins: Got your parachute?
  • Wontkins: I forgot it.
  • Wilkins: How about the Red Diamond Coffee?
  • Wontkins: I forgot that too.

(Wilkins flips the biplane upside down causing Wontkins screams to fall off the plane)

  • Wilkins: You’ll never forget this.


  • Wilkins: Look Out! Here comes my trainload of Red Diamond Coffee!
  • Wontkins: Why would you want a whole trainload of?!

(A train appears and stops)

  • Wilkins: I like Red Diamond.


  • Wilkins: Have some Red Diamond Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Wella, (He is hitted) ISaya, (He is hitted again) I’ll take some.
  • Wilkins: Surprising how many people are switching to Red Diamond Coffee.

Little Red Riding Hood[]

  • Wilkins: Grandma it’s Little Red Riding Hood with your Red Diamond Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I’m the big bad wolf and I ate your grandma!
  • Wilkins: Well have some Red Diamond to wash her down.

(A surprised Wontkins hides back under the sheets)


  • Wontkins: Hey Taxi! Where can I get a cup of coffee?
  • Wilkins: Red Diamond Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No, Just any old kind.

(Wilkins’ taxi leaves)

  • Wontkins: Hey Taxi Taxi!


  • Wilkins: Why are you speeding?
  • Wontkins: I Wanted a cup of coffee.
  • Wilkins: Red Diamond Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No, Just coffee.

(Jailbars slam shut)

  • Wontkins: Next Time I’ll say Red Diamond.

Tunnel Of Love[]

  • Wilkins: After this would you buy me a cup of Red Diamond Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No!

(Wontkins falls into the water)

  • Wilkins: I only go for a man who drinks Red Diamond.

I Get A Bang Out Of Red Diamond[]

  • Wontkins: What do you see in that Red Diamond Coffee?
  • Wilkins Well, Look for yourself.

(An explosion comes out of the Red Diamond Coffee)

  • Wilkins: I get a bang out of Red Diamond.


  • Wilkins: Come Below, The Red Diamond Coffee is ready.
  • Wontkins: I don’t like coffee.
  • Wilkins: OK mac have some water.

(Wilkins’ submarine door closes and the submarine goes underwater)

  • Wontkins: I must have sent the wrong thing.

(Wontkins drowns)


  • Wilkins: I really love my Red Diamond Coffee.
  • Wontkins: You Wanna see a psychiatrist.
  • Wilkins: I did, That’s who told me about Red Diamond, I used to love my raincoat.

Sinking Man’s Coffee[]

  • Wontkins: I’m Sinking! I’m Sinking! Save Me!
  • Wilkins: Have some Red Diamond Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Why?
  • Wilkins: It’s a sinking man’s coffee.

(Wilkins looks down as Wontkins drowns to the bottom)


  • Wilkins: Do you drink Red Diamond Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No!

(A monster appears and swallows Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Things seem to happen to people who don’t drink Red Diamond.

TV Set[]

  • Wilkins: Buy Red Diamond Coffee or else.
  • Wontkins: Or else what?

(Wilkins destroys the television set)

  • Wontkins: Buy Red Diamond Coffee it’s cheaper than a television set.